Carter turns 3

Today our first born turns 3. 

What a weird thing to say, I simply don't feel old enough to have a 3 year old!

2010

It is crazy to me to sit back and think about how entirely our lives changed that day in 2010.

This boy has brought more joy and pain into my life than I would have thought possible.

He made me into a momma, and I will forever be grateful that me choose ME! What an honor and a privilege to bring such a special spirit into this world.

I've thought a lot today about how much our/my life have changed all because of Carter...he truly changed our path 180* and has taken us on such an amazing journey these past three years.

I've never learned more about who I am and what my purpose is in this world, or how much God truly loves me than these past few years. It's been such a blessing. Although it hasn't been an easy ride-to say the least, I wouldn't change where we have been for anything. This little boy is mine and I can not wait to get back to Heaven to be with him!

 

I know that Trenton knows who his older brother is, and has a love for him. It's evident in some of T's actions that Carter's spirit is not far from his brother. I truly believe that Carter is leading us, and showing us the way. As well as giving his baby brother some advice and knowledge along the way.

Had Carter not come into our lives, I am not sure how we would have been able to go through everything we have with T. I'm grateful for the people who have been brought into our lives because of our sweet angel. We have met some pretty amazing people, all thanks to Carter.

He did more missionary work in his 13 days of life, than I have in my 25 years...He has touched many people, all over the U.S. It's pretty amazing what a special little boy he is. 

We were able to make it over to the cemetery today to celebrate the birth of Carter. We let off our traditional white balloon in his honor, and sang him Happy Birthday. Then we headed out for some Reeds Dairy ice cream as a little family, to celebrate a little longer.

I'm thankful for the family, and the friends that have been by our sides every year as we do this. 

It's a little thing that means so much.

Happy Birthday baby boy, I hope you floated in the clouds tonight in celebration of your life!

We love you so much, and couldn't imagine life without you!

Till we meet again my angel.

Memorial Day

I realize Memorial day was VERY long ago.

 I never got around to posting the pictures from that day, so today you get to see them!

We love going to see our baby and honor his grave with flowers.

I also love being able to have both of my boys together at once.

And seeing all three boys together just makes my heart melt!

And of course we can't visit Carter with out seeing Grandpa J, who is just right above Carter.

Mothers.

Mother's Day.  As this beautiful day comes to a close I can't help but put my gratitude into words.

Almost 2 1/2 years ago I became a momma to the sweetest most perfect little angel baby a momma could ask for! What a moment in time that was. I simply thank Heavenly Father each day for that sweet boy picking ME to be his mommy! What an honor, and a privilege to have an angel watching over our little family each and every day!!

 

Then I went a year without being a momma to a physical body, but more a momma to an angel.

That was a bittersweet mother's day to say the least. 

And then a year ago I had the honor again to call myself a mommy! T has brought so much joy and love into my life! He has made me open my eyes to the important things in life, and has taught me so much in his little lifetime. I thank the heavens that I get to be his mom, and for all that means!

 

Being a mom is something special, and I cherish each day on this earth that I have with my babies.

I also look forward with eagerness to the day when our family will become an eternal family, and that I will have the privilege to raise my sweet Carter!

Both boys have brought such emotional highs(and lows) into my life, and I really am truly grateful for them both! I love them with all of my heart, and could not imagine my life with out them!!

I also am eternally grateful for my mom, and my mother-in-law.

I'm so proud to call my mom my best friend, and do not know where I would be with out her!

Also, with out her selflessness in babysitting T we would be in a world of hurt and eating crumbs off the floor. I appreciate her willingness to sacrifice her time to help me and my family out, and for her love and willingness to give!

I am also thankful for my mil, for raising a son to be the man he is today. For sacrificing a lot in her life to provide for her kid's wants and needs. She is also a wonderful grandmother to not only my babies but to the other 4, almost 5 kiddos in our clan. 

Thank you both for being the women you are today, for providing such a strong and steadfast example to me, and to my children! 

I love you both!!!

Happy Mother's Day!

Carters' Birthday Party

Carter is two!!!

We have a hard time thinking that we have a two year old! 

It's been a whorl wind of two years!

For his big day we went out to the cemetery to celebrate with our annual balloon release! 

It was such a fun celebration and we really enjoyed it and ourselves. 

It was also so nice this year to have Trenton with us!!! Loved that!

waiting to celebrate

family!

big boy holding his own balloon.

balloon release!

party people!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL!

Second Birthday.

Happy Birthday Carter!



Aug 3rd and 9th 2010



 I can't even begin to think about where the time has gone. Two years??? really? As this day as been approaching I've found myself flashing back to those 13 days two years ago. It's been a journey to say the least. Our little family of two became a family of three and life changed forever. We will forever be grateful for those precious 13 days that we had with our sweet angel.

Back then, I thought that life would never go back to a feeling of normal ever again. It has, as weird as it to realize. But it is not the normal we once knew. It's a new reality that we live in, a feeling of striving to be more Christ-like; to be a better wife, husband, daddy, mommy, brother, sister, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, grandson, granddaughter and friend. We have a daily fight in us to be better so that we can be with Him again. There is nothing like having an angel baby to make you want to do all you can so that you can be with them forever!

As I look back on what these past two years have brought us, it's amazing to recognize the blessings we have been handed. For a long time I didn't think that I would ever want to get pregnant again, I didn't think that I could handle it. I struggled with thoughts of forgetting my sweet angel if we had other children. I struggled with thoughts of preterm pregnancy, and this tragedy happening again. I may have even told the Lord once or twice that if he took my baby I would never have another child again because I wouldn't go through this pain ever again....ha like telling the Lord what he can and can not do is even an option! In those moments I thought it was. Those moments were also some of my most spiritual moments I've even experienced, and probably ever will.

Even though the wounds are scared over and hurt less and less each day, we miss him an unbelievable amount and wish that we could hug him and run and play with him to celebrate this second birthday.

Life is funny how things work out....but thankfully one day we will be able to celebrate with him for many birthdays and such.

Happy Birthday Angel baby, hope it's a good one!

We love you!!!! 



Aug 4th, 2010



Memorial Day 2012

Memorial day has a special place in our hearts. This year was even more special with Trenton.

We went out to visit our little angle baby and it was pretty touching, even to see Trenton's car seat next to Carter's headstone! We love our boys!!! We also enjoyed seeing Grandpa Jorgensen, his grave is located directly above little Carters.

Memorial day 2012

Grandpa Jorgensen's Grave.

Our little family of four.

Brothers.

Sleeping peacefully.

Trenton's name sake, grandpa Jorgensen.

A Recap of the Year 2011

2011 has been a great year for us, full of ups and downs. We have learned a lot this past year, and have risen above and conquered.  Here are some high lights of our year.

Mike and I headed to Vegas in February with our friends, the Walkers. We had a great time being on a mini vacation, and the weather was so wonderful!

March brought living with Megan's parents for 1 year! Aren't they so lucky!!!

 April brought us a new niece! Clare Sophia Stockhoff!!

June brought sadness when we lost Grandpa Jorgensen, Mike was pretty broken up about his loss.

July brought Megan's 23rd birthday, celebrated with Coco Bean Red Velvet cup cakes and a good family BBQ filled with all her favorite foods!

It was a big month in July because we also welcomed home Megan's little brother, Jordan, home from his mission to Chile. As well as the arrival of Brynnlee Nicole Walker, Megan's best friend Amy and her hubby Mitch welcomed Brynnlee into their family!

in August Mike and I celebrated Carter's 1st birthday, as well as his one year Angel day! We celebrated with sending balloons off into the heavens! It was a great day, and then a hard day to follow a couple days later. 

 In September, Mike Celebrated 24 years of life! His birthday was filled with golfing, and a family BBQ to end the night!

 

We also received big news on Mikes birthday, the news that we were expecting! We were going to try at this family thing again, We would be due in May!!!

 December brought the news that we were expecting a boy, it also brought holiday work parties, family parties, friends parties. It brought Christmas and our 3 year anniversary!!!! 

We have been truly blessed in 2011, and are so thrilled to look forward to new adventures in 2012!

There are so many new and exciting things planned for 2012 and we can't wait to get started!

Happy New Years!!!!

Just Let Me Cry

This was one of my MOST favorite songs after Carter passed. I cherish this whole CD by Hilary Weeks. She is truly and angel in my life. This song means so much to me, and can make me cry every. single. time. I listen to it. I love it, and can always go back to where I was in my life last year when I found this song. It holds a lot of play time in my car, as well as some loud jamming sessions followed by tear sessions. It's great!

Thanks Hilary Weeks for having such a great connecting song!

Well the time has come, I need to do this.

Last Tuesday the 16th of Aug 2011 was one year since the passing of our little Carter.



Carters grave August 16, 2011



It was a day, or more like a night. a night from Hell.

It all started Monday late evening, we had just left our good friends the Walkers home, Mike and I were talking about the evening. We had been to see "The Bodies" at the Museum. It was a lot of fun, and we both enjoyed ourselves. On our way home that evening though I could start to feel some anxiety building, and I even made the comment to Mike that I felt as if I needed to cry. We got home and got ready for bed, said our prayers, and I lost it. I silently cried for just a few moments there in the dark, so silent in fact that Mike had no idea.

I woke up Tuesday morning feel OK but not great, the anxiety had only gotten worse as I slept.

I went to work and had a fairly good day. I held it together, although my eyes waters a few times. Mike had a small bouquet of garden flowers delivered to my office, which helped to brighten my day. After we both got home from work we ate and then were of to mutual. We both did well, even having a little fun. However the anxiety I was feeling was only starting to bubble. We got home from mutual and headed out to the cemetery. It was just the two of us, and it was beautiful. We stood around the headstone for a while, still both holding it together very well. All of a sudden the anxiety had hit it's limit, and like a volcano I was erupting. The pressure was off of my chest and the nears flowed like a river. Mike held me as I sobbed for several minutes. I would guess we stood there for 10 minutes just crying. I couldn't control myself, it was like I was reliving that horrible day in the hospital. I couldn't handle it, every time I closed my eyes I went straight back to that day, to those awful moments and un-wanted memories. It hurt and still does. It got to be a nightmare, Mike was literally having to hold me up, I felt as if I was passing out. I was shaking, I couldn't breath. It was seriously the worst. My heart ached for what we had gone through a year ago, I longed for this little person whom I was not able to have in my physical life anymore. I so desperately wanted to just be back in the hospital, smelling him, holding him, loving him, kissing him. I wanted to be a family of 3 again. Physically. I was done. We had to leave, and we did. Mike and I were able to calm myself down enough to make it home with only silent tear streaming. We got home, I relaxed in the bath and headed for bed.

I never want to re-due that day again. It was horrible. A true living nightmare.

I miss my little baby, I don't see that ever changing. Life has changed and so have we.

This past year has been quite the journey for the two of us. We have had some adventures, some roadblocks, some good times, as well as some bad. We have grown. We have conquered. We have lived. We have gain some really close friends. We have come to savor the little things. We so appreciate everything little children offer, and have been blessed to have so many little people come into our lives this past year.

But best of all, we have come to TRUELY appreciate our blessing AS WELL AS our trials. We have come closer to Christ, and rely on Him for all that we do. For those things I am grateful.

Someday we will get to see this little angel again, and what a day it will be! We both can not wait!

We Love you Carter!!! We miss you! Forever and Always!

Thank You to all who have send cards, flowers, who have called or texted, who have sent your love and support and who have been there and let us know that you are still thinking about us.

We SO appreciate and love you all!!!!

Birthday Bash 2011

We had a birthday party as a family yesterday for Carter. It was so peaceful and great! We all got together and went to Texas roadhouse for dinner then on the the cemetery for singing and to let off our memorial balloons. We both so enjoyed doing this and being together as a family on this day. It was a great way to end the day! Thanks family for coming and helping us celebrate baby C's life! We love you all!

His grave all decorated.



The three of us.



Our family.



Family again.

getting ready to send them off.

When we got to the cemetery this little toy was sitting on his grave with a sweet little note and a beautiful card from our AMAZING NICU nurses! They are all truly God sent for us! They too had sent off balloons in honor of our baby boy earlier that day! Thank You ladies! You really mean so much to both Mike and I! We love you!

Carters gift from the NICU ladies.

It was a great day to think back on our memories we have of this sweet baby!

We can't wait to do this each and every year, and someday include our future children and teach them about the person there BIG brother was/is!

1 year

Aug 2010

Happy Happy Birthday Little Boy!!!

It's really insane to think that 1 year ago today our lives changed, completely and forever changed.

It's unreal to think that at this time last year we were sitting in the hospital, watching you in your little 'man cave', so perfect and healthy(as healthy as a 28 week gestational baby can be) all tiny and little.

It's crazy to think it's been a year, an ENTIRE year! where did the time go?

I could say that today was a happy day for me, as was a year ago. No fear had yet really entered into our minds, all we could think about was how little and perfect you were. Today has been a good day, no little tears or sadness, no little aching and wanting. Just happiness, because a year ago today you made us the happiest people on this earth. You choose US to be your parents and that's what we are...your parents! We couldn't be MORE GRATEFUL for that choice. We are blessed each and every day because we got to become a mom and dad...your mom and dad, and although we don't get to show to the world, we are just that, and it's ok because someday we will get to.

We know that in the days to come our message might not sound so uplifting. Hard days are coming, fast.

We will make it through, and we will be ok but it doesn't mean it won't be hard or difficult.

Thanks for all you do for us daily angel baby!

We LOVE you and MISS you each and ever second of the day!

Thanks for making us a family, and for letting us have you FOREVER!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARTER!

with love,

mommy and daddy.

Memorial Day 2011

Memorial Day means a lot more to the two of us these days. This year was the first year that we have ever as a married couple gone to visit cemeteries, it's was very peaceful and oh my have I ever seen so many people and flowers in one place in my life! The cemetery was BEAUTIFUL!! I wish that it look like this all the time, it makes it a much happier place.

(Carter and I)
(Father and son)

(baby c's marker)




We also went out to visit Mikes grandfather, Grandpa Oakey.

We look forward to going to visit these special people in our lives every year!

Megan's Great Moving Adventure-part 2

Wednesday morning we got up, cleaned the house, packed up the car, went to Clare's check up appointment, went to Melissa's appointment and then hit the road. We stopped at a gas station to fill up a little ways out, to eat lunch and fill up....Meliss was feeding Clare and afterwards we went to get going again when all of a sudden the car wouldn't start. Like totally 100% dead! So a nice guy at the station came over and helped us jump start it. We got it started and then we headed to the town where Andy and Melissa bought the car to have it checked out, turns out we had just drained the battery while at the gas station. So after we got that taken care of we hit the road again. We traveled about 4 hours on Wednesday and stopped at a family friends of the Stockhoff's for the night. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday we traveled till our tooshies were sore. Saturday late afternoon we pulled into Idaho Falls. The little ones did great, as long as we stopped every few hours to feed the baby and let Noah run around. My part of the move was done on Saturday.

Sunday was Easter, and we had a good day. Church was ROUGH for me. That might even be an understatement. After church on Sunday My family and Andy, Melissa, and Whitney went out to Carters grave site. It was beautiful to be there. I felt such peace while standing looking at the beautiful headstone that we had made last fall. It was such a great reminder of the atonement and truly what Easter means and is all about. To us, Easter means so much more then candy and eggs and beautiful dresses and ties.

To us Easter means,
:knowing what the Savior did for us long ago on the cross
:it's understanding the atonement fully
:it's being thankful for the knowledge of eternal families
:it's coming closer to the Savior
:it's knowing that we will see our son one day, and that we will raise him.

We are grateful for all we have and love all our family members!!
Thanks for all you guys do for us!!

what nots...

here is a random post of all things what not; enjoy.

looking back a year ago: it donned on me today that a year ago this month Mike and I found out we were 'with child'. It's amazing to think back to such a wonderful and happy time in our lives.

Little did we know what would happen later in 2010, and it's a very good thing we didn't.

So many things good and bad have happen in that year. I have learned so much, Mike has learned so much, and WE have learned a lot....and I mean A LOT!!!! It's been an adjustment the past 8 months of out lives, and an even bigger adjustment the past 4-5 months while finding out all the wonderfully exciting news of so many pregnancies of special people in our lives, there have been MANY and although at times it's been rough, we both couldn't be more truly truly ecstatic for those great people. We look forward to sharing in their new adventures and loving on there precious little ones. There is nothing better to us right now at this point in time then being an aunt and uncle, and we do it well I will brag!

Uncle Kyle:

If you remember back also about a year ago Mike's uncle Kyle was diagnosed with a major brain tumor, thankfully he has been cancer free for a year...until a few weeks ago when he went in for a routine MRI and another tumor was located; this time in a different part of the brain. We have been praying that it is operable, and our prayers have been answered we got news today that Kyle will be having surgery on April 27th. We will continue to pray for him and welcome any of you who would like to join in to do so as well.

and lastly: I will be MIA for the next week, I will be flying out to MO to help Andy and Melissa drive their cars here so they can move to Washington. I can't wait to love on Noah and Clare!!

till then....

chow!

Headstone.

I don't have our vacation pictures done yet,

but I found this today and realized that I haven't shown it to all of you who asked to see it.

Here it is. peacefully laid in the ground, blanketed by the snow.

We love it, it's our most favorite picture and we are thrilled we could use it.

carter

dear baby c,

it's amazing to think that next week will be 6 months since you flew away to our Father in Heaven. life has been drastically different since you entered into your daddy's and my life.

a good different, a needed different.

but we miss you.

that is always going to be the case, but sometimes the pain is so real and then others it's not.

i hate feeling this way. i hate it when the pain is strong, and i hate it when i don't feel the awful heart wrenching pain. will that ever go away?

i think about what 'would have been' if life would have gone as 'planed'. you would be almost 4 months old. that's amazing to think about,

and sad because your not.

it's weird to think how different our lives would have been if life would have gone as we thought it should have....to be parents, would we have been good ones?

i know our Father in Heaven had great plans for you, and that you had a bigger mission then this earth, i do believe that with all my heart. i just wish i could hold you, rock you, love you.

someday.

i hope your happy. i love you. always remember that.

love always,

mommy