Well the time has come, I need to do this.
Last Tuesday the 16th of Aug 2011 was one year since the passing of our little Carter.
|Carters grave August 16, 2011|
It was a day, or more like a night. a night from Hell.
It all started Monday late evening, we had just left our good friends the Walkers home, Mike and I were talking about the evening. We had been to see "The Bodies" at the Museum. It was a lot of fun, and we both enjoyed ourselves. On our way home that evening though I could start to feel some anxiety building, and I even made the comment to Mike that I felt as if I needed to cry. We got home and got ready for bed, said our prayers, and I lost it. I silently cried for just a few moments there in the dark, so silent in fact that Mike had no idea.
I woke up Tuesday morning feel OK but not great, the anxiety had only gotten worse as I slept.
I went to work and had a fairly good day. I held it together, although my eyes waters a few times. Mike had a small bouquet of garden flowers delivered to my office, which helped to brighten my day. After we both got home from work we ate and then were of to mutual. We both did well, even having a little fun. However the anxiety I was feeling was only starting to bubble. We got home from mutual and headed out to the cemetery. It was just the two of us, and it was beautiful. We stood around the headstone for a while, still both holding it together very well. All of a sudden the anxiety had hit it's limit, and like a volcano I was erupting. The pressure was off of my chest and the nears flowed like a river. Mike held me as I sobbed for several minutes. I would guess we stood there for 10 minutes just crying. I couldn't control myself, it was like I was reliving that horrible day in the hospital. I couldn't handle it, every time I closed my eyes I went straight back to that day, to those awful moments and un-wanted memories. It hurt and still does. It got to be a nightmare, Mike was literally having to hold me up, I felt as if I was passing out. I was shaking, I couldn't breath. It was seriously the worst. My heart ached for what we had gone through a year ago, I longed for this little person whom I was not able to have in my physical life anymore. I so desperately wanted to just be back in the hospital, smelling him, holding him, loving him, kissing him. I wanted to be a family of 3 again. Physically. I was done. We had to leave, and we did. Mike and I were able to calm myself down enough to make it home with only silent tear streaming. We got home, I relaxed in the bath and headed for bed.
I never want to re-due that day again. It was horrible. A true living nightmare.
I miss my little baby, I don't see that ever changing. Life has changed and so have we.
This past year has been quite the journey for the two of us. We have had some adventures, some roadblocks, some good times, as well as some bad. We have grown. We have conquered. We have lived. We have gain some really close friends. We have come to savor the little things. We so appreciate everything little children offer, and have been blessed to have so many little people come into our lives this past year.
But best of all, we have come to TRUELY appreciate our blessing AS WELL AS our trials. We have come closer to Christ, and rely on Him for all that we do. For those things I am grateful.
Someday we will get to see this little angel again, and what a day it will be! We both can not wait!
We Love you Carter!!! We miss you! Forever and Always!
Thank You to all who have send cards, flowers, who have called or texted, who have sent your love and support and who have been there and let us know that you are still thinking about us.
We SO appreciate and love you all!!!!