Saturday, September 11, 2010

trying to come to terms.

What a week, or more like past two weeks. When Carter passed away we were counseled by multiple people to date, each other that is. So, Mike and I are dating again! The rules are, it just has to be us and it has to be at least one time a week. We have gone out a few times now, and it's been so good for us. I forgot that excited feeling of being asked out and it was fun to get that back again. It's been good for our relationship, it's our time to really talk and listen about any and everything we are feeling or thinking. It's also made me realize how hard Carters passing has been on Mike, guys grieve so different then girls and although I knew he was grieving, I didn't know how affected he was.

One of our adventures we went on was to the fair, twice! We both love the fair, and get so excited when it comes to town. We enjoy all the crazy good food, the insane people watching, the 4-H stuff, the animals, and just walking around. This year was a little harder for me, watching all the people with babies, looking at the baby stuff for sale...and knowing that my baby was in Heaven, although an amazing place to be, it's not with me! It's been interesting since Carter's passing how many people I see pregnant, with newborns, or just little boys in general. I was told this would happen, as humans we tend to search subconsciously for things we can't or don't have.

On Tuesday I went back to work, it was a good and hard thing for me. I enjoyed being around my co-workers, I missed talking to them. It was a slower week, no one wants to take there kids out of school yet, but it was nice for me to be slowly thrown back into the work force. I thought about Carter a lot, and talked about him a lot too-which I'm sure I drove everyone nuts with, but oh well it helps to talk about him. I did have a hard time on Wednesday when I had to work on a 25 year old girl who was pregnant, with a boy. Her and I talked a lot about her pregnancy, she has a heart disease, and is a high risk pregnancy-which I have been labeled also. For the hour she was there she watched the TLC show, "Bringing home baby" which was difficult for me to listen to. I found myself getting upset with the new mom on the show, who was complaining about how difficult it was trying to raise this child, how the baby didn't like to sleep, and how the child would cry the a lot for no reason at all. This was frustrating for me, here she was a new mom with a perfectly healthy baby and she was taking it for granite. I had no baby with me, it pushed the knife in my heart a little deeper. This women also asked me the questions that I hadn't even thought about before, "Do you have any children???". I froze, what do I say??? how do I answer this with out making it awkward for both of us? so, I said no. Then the guilt rushed over me, it's not that I'm ashamed of Carter, or don't count him as my child. I do! I just didn't want to explain it all to a total stranger. I have since realized that if I'm ever asked this again, I will reply simply "yes, but he is in heaven now". It was mortifying to say the least.

I hope it gets better at work, I'm sure it will. I am happy to say though that the good days are starting to out way the bad. Thankfully!!!! The black circles under my eyes need to heal, and crying all day everyday doesn't do that. I cry less, but most of that is the medication the Dr has put me on because of the anxiety this life changing event has placed upon me. When you have the biggest, most painful, and longest anxiety attack in a temple session, you know something needs to happen. It was not a pleasant experience lets just say. Thankfully the next time I went I didn't have one. It's amazing how before Carter came I took so many things, simple things, for granite, like a good day let's say. We all have good days but don't realize how important they are until you have a few bad days in a row. I've made it a goal of mine to 'stop and smell the roses', or to not take things for granite.
Everything happens for a reason, it's our job to find that reason.

We are getting closer to the one month mark....eek!
that's insane it's almost been a month!


Stacie Couch said...

You amaze me. I am so proud to be your friend! You have definitely made me grateful for the little things in my life. I know exactly what you mean about how nice a good day feels after a few bad ones. I hope the good days keep finding you! I love you Megan!

Megann said...

I've been thinking about you. I'm glad you and Mike are "dating" again. You two are growing stronger as a couple everyday. That's so important. Dustin and I had "date night" with a counselor at LDS Family Services a few months after Libby came home. Different things work for different couples, but that's what we have to "working" at our relationship. I'm so impressed with you and Mike.
What I also think is important, is medication. I'm glad you're on "drugs". You're dealing with so much and so many changes. I love my drugs. :)
You are handling everything so well. I'm glad you're writing down your feelings and experiences. You're not only helping yourself, but those of us who read your blog too. You are an incredible person, with a big and loving heart!

Mindee & Austin said...

Meg you have uplifted me as a person, by sharing your thoughts and feelings, and expressing how you feel about life. I realize,I do take a lot of things for granite, and I need to stop. As for the date nights, that is so wonderful. Austin and I havent been on a datenight in a long time, I think I might ask him out this weekend : ) thankyou for being such a loving, caring, wonderful person. Love you!

Kristy said...

Wow! Date night, what's that? :)! Matt and I need to go out, that sounds fun!! I'm glad you've gone back to work and are creating a "New Normal". I think about you a lot, especially when I see new babies. I am very guilty when it comes to taking my own children for granted. They oftendrive me nuts but they are mine:0! I love to read your blog, you are amazing!! Hope to see you guys soon!!
Love ya!!