Aug 14th and 15th

August 14, 2010-

We were awaken this morning with a call, a call from Dr. Jenkins one of Carter's NICU Doctors. I was shaking as he informed me that Carter was not doing well, that things were heading way down hill. During the night Carter started d'Estating really low, the infection was getting worse and possibly spreading. His kidneys were starting to have issues, and the seizures were getting worse and more frequent which was causing brain damage, his sodium was down in a danger zone and his poor little body was trying as hard as it could but was having a hard struggle. His white blood cell count was in the trash.He was placed under a large number of rather intense medications, one to make him be asleep and stay asleep. Because of all of the medications and fluids he was on he poor little body was swelling. His poor little ears and eyes made me sad every time I would look at him they were so swollen.

Carter before they put him to sleep

I got off the phone and broke down, Mike kept asking what was wrong but I was so out of control that for a few minutes I couldn't even talk. After calming down long enough to tell him I called my mom and dad, who were out of town on a motorcycle trip, I again broke down uncontrollably. Mike called and told his parents who were also out of town for business, and he broke down. Both sets of parents immediately left and started home. Mike and I headed straight for the hospital. When we got there, we were told that things had gotten worse since talking with Dr. Jenkins-literally 45 minutes earlier. There were all sorts of nurses around our baby, helping him fight for his life.

It was like a whirl wind, people running here and there.

We immediately knew that Carter was in need of a blessing and that we could not wait for our dads. Mike called a good family friend Mac McAffee to come help him with this blessing, he and his wife ran right over and Mac gave Carter a blessing for Mike and I. He then gave each of us blessings, blessings which I am sure we will never forget. We sat there all day with our child bawling together. To watch your baby go through what Carter did is indescribable. I would never wish this upon anyone. Our parents made it to us in record time. Mike's older brother Nate and his family came with Mike's parents to support us at this time. Nate and Cami were able to see Carter, although I wish it could have been on better terms. As the day went on things went up and down. We had dinner as a family, with Mike and my family to start our family/friends fast. Mike and I were able to get a room in the hospital right across from the NICU, although we didn't use it for longer than 3 hours. We left the NICU at about 2:30am and came back at 5:30am and then stayed with Carter until we had to leave at 7:00am for shift change, when we left things were stable-

even on a slow upward path.

August 15, 2010-

When we got back to the NICU this morning after shift change things had gone down hill again. Dr. Jenkins told us that the infection Carter has is 70% deadly, that our little boy is fighting hard but that he is really sick. He told us that this infection is caused by 1 of 3 things; *the pick line in his arm. *that he was just born with it in his body * or three, that I gave it to him during birth through either his eyes, mouth, or through his skin. Dr. Jenkins stated that he is pretty sure that Carter was born with it, but we will never know. The guilt that goes through a mom when being told that you could have been the cause to your babies sickness is heart wrenching. I don't blame myself for the infection, but there still is some guilt that I have knowing that it was a possibility. Also the worry that I have now knowing that if I really did give this to my child how do I have other children? Since babies at this age don't have immune systems everything is hitting him really hard. Dr. Jenkins has been researching all he can on this infection and we are confident that things will be OK. We know God is watching over Carter, the nurses, and the doctors and that everyone including Carter are doing all that they can.

Since Carter was having so many seizers, or what they thought were siezers Dr. Jenkins was very worried about how extensive the brain damage would be, I was ok with having a handicap child, because he was our child and that would mean he would be alive-this made the doctors concerned but I didn't care. We had to have a brain wave machine placed in Carters head to watch and see when he was actually having a seizer and when it was neurological irritation. There were 3 needle prongs placed under his skin on the top of his head to watch the brain activity and the seizers. After hours we came to find that most of what we thought were seizers really were not, but he was on two medications to make him not have seizers. His brain activity was also really low, but the Dr. thought that it could have been due to how sedated they had him-

we prayed that this was the reason!

Carter holding my hand while they did the IV in his head

I cried most of the day today, as did Mike. All I could think about was the roller coaster of emotions we were going through, I felt peace and comfort on one end but on the other I was a wreck, deep deep down I knew that we may not walk out of the hospital with three of us. That thought killed me, I needed him here with me on this earth. He couldn't leave to heaven yet. Through out the last two days in my hospital rocking chair, the song " I am a Child of God" kept running through my mind, what a peaceful yet tear jerking song. But I am thankful that God placed that song in my mind, he knew I needed it I'm pretty sure. Things went up and down through out the day. We again sat in our rocking chairs by his bed side the whole day, only leaving when we had to for shift change. We found out the result of the PDA, it was still closed, this was a good thing! My mom came and sat with Carter so Mike and I could go back to his parents house to break our fast, when she left at 7:00pm for shift change things were going good-Cheri his day nurse was so happy with the progress we had seen during the day, and Carter had even peed a large diaper-this was the first wet diaper since 9am. We prayed that this meant the diuretic they had placed him on to help him pee to get his kidneys going was working.

When Mike and I got back to the hospital after shift change things were still stable, and we felt good about things. We were so calm and good with where things were at that point that Mike and I were going to head home and sleep in our own bed. We got ready to leave at 10:30pm and went to tell our baby goodbye for the night and that we loved him when I noticed a large water looking blister on the top of Carters forehead. The nurses came over and took a look, stating that the blister had not been there 10 minutes ago when they changed his diaper and did his care. His nurse Wendy took a look at it and then felt it to make sure it was a water blister from his brain prong and not his head iv, when she felt it Carter d'Esated-so far in fact that they had to bag him to breath for him. They got him recovered and then he did it again, and again. He did it 3 times in 30 minutes, and recovered on his own 2/3 times. This had all of us freaked out, Mike and I quickly knew that we were not going anywhere that night, not even to the hospital room that we still had. We stayed with him through most of the night and then left in the morning during shift change.

Again things were stable.