Saturday, March 2, 2013

Mommy Guilt.

I had to go out of town for a work conference this past week. I was gone from Wednesday to Friday.
I had anxiety for months leading to this week. I had never been through a night with out Trenton in the 10 months that he has been alive. I hated leaving him! I hated that I wasn't going to see him for one whole day, and that I wouldn't be the one putting him to bed at night. I have weird issues. There is something inside of me that thinks that if I put him to bed at night, then I know he is safe, and that nothing will happen to him. Insane, I know! But I had guilt.

To top this guilt off for leaving him, I have been working so much lately. Things at work have been a tad different lately and my schedule isn't as flexible as I thought it was. Life has gotten crazy for our family the past little while, and it doesn't seem to be slowing down anytime soon. Last week was so crazy for me that I only got to see/be with Trenton while he was awake for 11 hours, spread out from Monday to Friday. 11 hours out of 4 days! Guilt!

At times like these, it's hard for me to not be overcome with 'mom guilt'. I feel SO guilty for leaving my baby so often. Sometimes I worry that he thinks my mom (his grandma Jex) is his mom, and not me. She sees him more than I do, she teaches him more things than I do, she has recently been to more appointments with him than I have. Guilt x 1000.

Now don't take that wrong, I am SOOO EXTREMELY ETERNALLY GRATEFUL that she is here and willing to do this 'job' for me/us. With out her willingness I am not sure what we would be doing with Trenton. You see, when I was pregnant we had set aside the goal that come Jan 2013 I would be able to drop down to part time, if not quite completely. Then when Trenton turned 6 months old, and we started down this road to find a diagnosis as to what was 'wrong' with him, I knew that this goal we had created wasn't a possibility any longer. We needed my income to help pay for medical bills, and for insurance. Guilt.

Guilt, tears, anger, and a few sleepless nights occurred. I was mad! Hadn't we gone through "enough" already with children? Why do we have to go through another major trial dealing with a child again?
Why can't we make more money so that I can stay home? etc.

WHY WHY WHY... I was sad, and mad, and angry. I hated watching the other babies that were T's age pass him by leaps and bounds. It wasn't fair! I wasn't upset at those tiny babies, but rather just jealous. There lives seemed so much easier than ours. And then the babies who were several months younger than him started passing him as well. It's taken everything inside of me to not just cry.

I've had to really sit back and focus on the bigger picture. It's hard, but I have to. This little boy that is MINE, he has the sweetest little giggle, the most incredible entire face smiles, the prettiest blue eyes, the longest and crazy-est hair, this adorable personality, etc. When he looks at me I know he loves me, with insane amounts of unconditional love. I know he is 100% on my team, and wants nothing but the best for me. I know he isn't mad or upset at me that I am not home with him all day, every day. I know he is OK with the trials he has been given and the journey he has ahead. I know he understand and knows. I know he sees the bigger picture.

I'm not mad at anyone, or anything. I'm not mad that we are on this journey that we are. I know God has a plan for Trenton, Mike, and I. I know we have many more trails a head of us in this life, and that I will have these dark moments. But that it's OK because I am human. I just need to take a step back and see what the bigger picture is. Now I am not saying that the guilt isn't there anymore, because it is, and probably will always be. Because as moms and humans we do that to ourselves. But hopefully, if I can remember to step back and look beyond this month, well then just maybe that 'mom guilt' won't be so strong.